


This idiot drinks her paint water.

by pansexualdisaster



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Colours, F/F, Forgiving yourself, Good Pansy Parkinson, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Healthy Relationships, Homophobia Doesn't Exist, Hot Cocoa, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lesbian Ginny Weasley, Lesbian Pansy Parkinson, Mental Health Issues, Painting, Post-War, Scars, Self-Doubt, Self-Projecting, Taking Your Time, Thanks, Trans Ginny Weasley, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Useless Lesbians, breathing again, not feeling enough, very very soft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:08:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 21,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28068324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pansexualdisaster/pseuds/pansexualdisaster
Summary: After the war, I needed a break from everything. I went back to complete my final year, robot mode. I had decided, consciously or not to ignore every terrible thing I had done, so that I could push through. But ignoring a wound, or scars does not mean it is healed. And my wounds had to be treated.
Relationships: Pansy Parkinson/Ginny Weasley, Theodore Nott/Blaise Zabini
Kudos: 8





	1. Grey, how bad it hurts, and meeting you again

How I fell in love with her ? It’s a story that could last years, because it did, or seconds, because of the brutality of what I feel, and what I felt. 

After the war, I needed a break from everything. I went back to complete my final year, robot mode. I had decided, consciously or not to ignore every terrible thing I had done, so that I could push through. But ignoring a wound, or scars does not mean it is healed. And my wounds had to be treated.   
When I graduated, something in me broke. I could no longer ignore my actions, the choices I had made. I had not made them to please a parent, or due to fear, like Draco. I had done it not to leave him alone, or Astoria and Daphné, or Crabbe, or Goyle. These two I did not like, I never did, but I knew they were getting in something so, so much bigger than themselves, that they did not grasp nor understand. I had joined the Death Eaters for the people around me, yes, and maybe hiding behind my parents’ teaching to say I hated muggle born wizards was the easiest way out, it probably was. But still. I participated in torturing those who did not abide by the Carrow siblings’ law whether I was passive or… whether I was not. And this was something I was going to have to live with my whole life. 

Saying I doubted my allegiance to the Death Eaters or I did not would be pointless : one way I could have persuaded me I did, to not feel so terrible anymore, the other way I could have told myself I never did, just so it is easier to blame myself. But then again, maybe I did. And maybe I did not. 

So I shut down. I could not listen to my brain, which would only blame me, all the time, and even at times tell me I deserved to be in pain, in so much pain, until I lost my mind and myself. To never feel ok again, or if I did, not even enough time to breathe in, just so he would get a taste of the memory of a life without pain. Maybe then, I could pay back my due, be even with all the harm I had caused.   
I shut down. My body would not carry me anymore than my brain would give the order to move, get out, walk, do something just do something. I feared I was going insane, and slept seventeen around a day, staring at the ceiling, barely eating, crying just so I would not feel empty. 

My friends got worried. Astoria first. Blaise was too busy with his job, and had always been terrible at keeping in touch. Draco had been gone a little while, and Theodore would have noticed, maybe a week later. I had not stopped going to our bi-monthly reunions, I just looked worse, and worse, and worse.   
They never came to my apartment so it looked and smelled terrible. Until one day, Astoria came unannounced. She did not take no for an answer when I told her she could not come inside. It was early morning, I had not yet gone to sleep. I clearly remember thinking “Shit, I must look awful.” 

That day, she cried. She apologized. “I should have known, I should have known, I should have asked, I should have worried more oh Pansy I’m so sorry.” When she saw the way my left forearm looked… The mark had been gone the very moment the Dark Lord had been gone. It was a spell, it was bound to his magic, it was gone. The memory of it, and what it was tied to was not. I had scratched it, until it bled. And it had bled a lot. It was healing, but each time I scratched it, it had scratched off the scab, keeping it from healing. Looking back, it must have been terrible to watch. Witnessing me… It probably was not easy for her. 

It took a lot of pep talk. It took Blaise bandaging my arm, Astoria bathing me, Theodore holding me till I slept and little by little, Draco making me babysit his child, buying me plants, and just all of them adopting a cat for me. It took a lot from them, and I am still so thankful, and I will always remain thankful to them forever, whether we part or not. Eventually, Blaise offered me something, an idea. To go and do an activity by myself. Something I had always wanted to do. I knew, although I did not say it immediately, because I did not dare dream it. But mom was dead, and dad was in Azkaban. Maybe I could do it right ? I wanted to learn how to paint. I had always wanted to, since I was eight. But mom had deemed it pointless, and dad listened to mom, whatever happened. Even to join the Death Eaters, he listened to her. Even for that, you know ?   
But painting… When I finally dared voice it, they were all so pumped about it… I almost saw Blaise lift himself up off his seat, with his hands holding onto the arms of his chair. Draco said he could come with me, until the front door, that he could hold my hand until I got into the building, the building of my first ever painting class. And so he did. He held my hand in the car, before I got out of it. I did not want him to come with me, I had to do this for myself. I had to. 

And so, with time and effort, which got me to be five minutes late, I went through the door, and joined the class. This was when I first saw her. 

This was a muggle painting class, a muggle activity. I had not thought of the idea… The fact that, maybe, I would meet someone I knew from before, had never even touched my mind. Shit. I did. Before, that meant before Astoria woke me up. I did not want to be anything I was Before. I did not want to hold onto something I used to be, I wanted to be born anew. I wanted to forget the pain, and the memories. And the fact that she was here, that she could recognize me... In that moment, I almost hated her for it, my resentment was just so, so strong.   
I still sat in a spot. Five minutes after the beginning of the class so everyone had turned to see my face, the face of the late new girl. Shit, so much for a brand new start, right ? And that’s when I saw her face, before sitting. Ginny Weasley. The red hair, the freckles. The smile and the crooked tooth. My body was electrified with terror, and I smiled a tense smile. I still sat, behind Ginny Weasley. She had recognized me, no doubt about it. People knew me in Hogwarts, whether good or bad, whether their definition of good and bad or mine. She knew me, the way I knew her. Not at all, but we were familiar with each other. 

I thought my misery would end here, but it did not. After a couple of tips, regarding basics and such, the teacher said we had to pair up, and make a sketch of the person in front of us.   
People seemed to be drawn to her, they all wanted to draw her, she was the Sun. And yet, she paired everyone that came to her together, she made great pairs, and she was smiling so largely, she was so beautiful… I could not help but to get sucked into her smile, her benevolent eyes, her laughter when anyone thanked her or said something funny. It did not last five minutes, but those were the five minutes I noticed all that I fell in love with her for. In the end, when she had paired up all of those who came to her, she came up to me. She did not say anything, other than “Let’s paint beautifully !’. 

Truth was, I did not know where to start. I had not held a pencil with an intent to draw in years, I was afraid I would have lost all my practice and all that made my drawings pretty, back then, even before Before. And she was beautiful. She did not seem to know it but she really was, and how beautiful she was made me feel vulnerable. Or maybe it was not her beauty, it was her, it was probably just her. I felt naked when she looked up to get the proportions of my face, to sketch it. I was not ready to feel vulnerable, not after so long of just being an empty shell. 

The teacher came up behind me, saw the blank sheet I was facing and crouched next to me. They asked me what was wrong, and I said, teeth clenched, that I did not know how or where to start. They smiled, shyly and said “It’s so stupid to say, right, I know that. But with a first stroke. If you don’t like it, you can always start over, yes ? But you have to start doing, in order to have the possibility to start over.”   
At the time, I had not realised how well it matched with my situation. Or maybe I did, and that’s why I had asked for a cigarette break out of the blue (to which they had answered that I was not in high school anymore, and could do whatever the hell I wanted (which was go for a smoke, so I went for a smoke)). She did not follow me, she did not ask questions. I smoked my cigarette, and when I came back she was leaning forward, elbows on her knees, chin pinched between her right thumb and index finger, eyes closed. She seemed to be in deep thought. I sat back into my chair, so silent and calm, she had not heard me. 

Without her eyes on me, I could sketch. And so I did. I sketched her, quickly, and it was not as pretty as my art could have been, or would be in the future, but it was still her, recognizable, eyes closed, focused. I never coloured that sketch, and I have kept it. You can still find it in a drawer, in my nightstand, by my bedside. Because it means a lot to me, at first just the symbol of the beginning of my Now, my turning point, my coming back to life, but also now, the complete and utter fascination I have always have, when it came for her, that crooked smile, those eyes, whether closed or open, and just… her. 

Her eyes brutally opened, and she looked straight into my eyes. 

“I am so stupid” she said. “I drank from the glass I clean my paint brushes in, again.”

This idiot drank her paint water ? I could not believe it, I just burst into laughter. She straightened her back and pouted, as if to say it was not funny, and it was a very serious matter. Then a thought struck me. 

“Have you painted anything since the beginning of the class ?”

Her head tilted on the side. I do not think she saw the relevance of the question. After all, she had just drunk her paint water ! That was a serious matter. 

“Did you paint anything ? Because when I left for my break you had a pencil, then your gorgeous model was gone, then you seemed lost in thought, and I did not see you pain anything. So did you paint anything, did you clean your brushes in the glass ?”  
“Oh my Merlin ! You genius !” She laughed, honestly relieved. “No, no I have not ! The pain water was actually not pain water yet ! Oh, Christ, I did not drink paint water I just… drank water.” She sighed heavily. “I’m very, very relieved, thank you love.”

Right here and there, she offered me her hand, for a handshake, which I took, and left. 

“I’m sorry, I have to go, I’m on a tight schedule today. Will you show me your sketch of me next week, love ? Here, you can have mine of you, it is not that great but you ran off - not criticizing, just stating facts, yes ?”

Maybe I fell in love with her then.   
Maybe I fell in love with the spontaneity, the chaos, the way she had pictured me, the distractedness, the handshake and the start over it symbolized,, the storm that she was. Maybe it was the storm. Or the laughter ? Maybe a mix of all of those. I don’t think, to this day, that she realized how much colour she put into my life right here and there. 

I remember leaving not much later after her, after cleaning my easel, and thanking the teacher for their advice, and then again when they gave me criticism and tips I asked for. I remember Blaise’s shocked face when I got out. He was waiting, leaning on a wall next to the building. 

“Was that … ?”  
“Ginny Weasley, yes.”

We did not discuss it further on our way back to Draco’s apartment. What I did discuss, on the other hand, was the beauty of the colours, the brushes, the people, the advice, and my eagerness to get better. Later on, Blaise had admitted that his allergy did not act up that day, and that I remembered correctly when I had said he was not allergic to anything : he told me he was proud of me then, so proud of me, and so excited, and relieved. Yes, I made Blaise Zabini cry. And the others too, more or less, during the diner. 

She came back the following week, and so did I. I never did show her the mediocre sketch, that was still a sketch after all, but still, much more than just a sketch, a symbol. And I drew her some more, she was always the one I paired up with. During the third session she had told me that she was “relieved, but also surprised to see a familiar face from high school”, but she never asked any more questions. She ended up adding that it was the reason why she paired up with me, and not the other muggles she knew from previous sessions. She had not called them muggles, but me being a witch and them being magicless was and still is our main difference. I drew her some more, sometimes with only crays, sometimes only with a pencil and a rubber, sometimes with acrylics, or gouache. The first one I showed her and was truly satisfied with was a portrait of her side profile, only with two crayons, one pink, one red. Then we had painted models, fruits, animals. A sense of competition had arisen between the two of us, but always friendly. We had no problem acknowledging when the other’s drawing was better, and we always tried to give each other and the other attendants of the class some constructive criticism. We might not have been Raveclaws, neither of us, but we so wanted to get better. 

I was grateful for those moments, those art classes. They made me go out, they had had me set a goal for myself, my friends worried less, I was getting better, and I was thinking back then about how I was getting a new friend, and one of the good guys at that.   
But I still was not doing ok. 

The art class had helped me get back in touch with my emotions, so I cried a lot more. That was healthier already, even if I still cried an unhealthy amount. And I had cut my cigarette consumption to only seven a day. I had grown to loathe the number seven.   
Still, when I was not at the class, or at any of my friends’ houses - which was most of the time - I had nothing to do. No busy schedule like Ginny or Blaise, no child to take care of like Draco. Well… That was not entirely true, I still had Belzebuth, my cat. It was a black cat. It still is, by the way. I never stopped feeding him, so he stayed alive and well. 

Belzebuth… is probably one of the biggest reasons I did not let myself die. I would have probably been decaying in my bed even just a week after the class, from forgetting to eat, drink, pee or shower. Yeah, yeah. That’s not too pretty to imagine I know. But I had the cat you know. It came scratching on my door every morning, because it was hungry, and it wouldn’t stop before I got out of bed and fed it. So I named him Belzebuth, because he was persistent as the devil. He would come brushing against my calves when I filled an old coffee mug with his food. The first time that happened, I jumped, I was so surprised ! Then, when I got back to my room, right after, I cried. It was just so soft, I don’t know, I guess it reminded me that soft things could still happen, and not just the burn of my cigarette’s ashes on my chest when I forgot to put it out when I was in my bed, and I was falling asleep. It was all I had seemed to know the weeks before Belzebuth.  
I learned to scratch him right behind the ears, the way he liked, to make him purr. Him purring always has me beaming with pride, according to anyone who has seen me pet my cat. With time, I guess the time needed for him to get to trust me, he even offered me his belly, and I got to play with his toe beans.   
It’s stupid, but I am so thankful for that dumb cat, because, way later on, he even got me to set a goal for myself ; one day, Astoria had come over, and we were playing with Belze because when you have a cat, in case you never had a cat, he instantly becomes your trophy, and most likely the main attraction for any visitor coming to see you, when I said, without thinking, something along the lines of “I wish I were a cat, to play with him all day like that, and maybe understand him better, or something.” That’s when Astoria and I started our journeys to become Animagi : I had completely forgotten that was an option ! We were soon joined by Theodore in the process. We also offered the possibility to join us to Draco and Blaise, but Blaise smiled and said that at least one medic needed to stay alive in order to heal any of us if it went wrong, and Draco had his kid, he could not risk it. 

The mandragore leaf came out of Astoria’s mouth on her first try, but there were no thunderstorms between the next two full moons so she caught up with us. What a stupid idea to start a process that requires a thunderstorm in the middle of may, right ? But every sundown and every sunrise we pointed the tip of our wands to our hearts and repeated the incantation. “Amato Animo Animato Animagus”. 

I was still going to the painting lessons. We had painted nude models, fruits, a cat with a tendency to escape, after which I had offered to bring Belzebuth sometimes, if the teacher wanted to paint another, more quiet cat.   
I am pretty sure this is when she and I truly became friends, when I mentioned my cat. When I offered my cat as a model to the professor, it was at the end of a lesson, I turned to go grab my stuff and she appeared, quite out of nowhere : 

“Pansy ? You have a cat ? Oh my Merlin, what are they like, what do they look like, what are their name, they’re favourite toy ?”

I think it was the first time she had ever said my name out loud, while talking to me. She had done it to introduce me to other people, people taking the class, but never addressed straight to me. I couldn’t help but smile, and silently thank Astoria for getting me a cat of all pets. Theodore was thinking about a puppy, they told me that when they came with Belzebuth in Blaise’s arms. But what Astoria wanted, Astoria got, we all knew that. So I was grateful, in this moment, for her perseverance. 

“Yeah, I do ! My friends adopted him for me, and I ended up naming him Belzebuth, because he is persistent as the devil. He’s all black, he is the prettiest, and the softest. And… I don’t really have toys for him to play with, just my hands when we play together.” 

I laughed, my thumb running on the small cuts our sessions of playing, mine and Belzebuth’s, had left on my hands. I was really getting soft with age, uh ? Or maybe it was just Belze’s effect. I could have talked about him for a long while, but I didn’t because her question about his toys made me realize that I had never needed toys for him because I was always home, never out so I could always play with him. Because I was a lazy piece of trash. I took a deep breath in, and smiled. 

I think, I truly think we truly became friends when she asked about the cat. There had been three, almost four months of lessons, but they were weekly, and if we had become acquaintances, we were not friends until she asked about him. Maybe that’s why I dared offer :

“If you want, you can come see him sometimes. I don’t live too far from this building, if you ever want to make a detour on your way back to your place, or wherever you’re going from here !”

She had left one or two more lessons early because of a busy schedule, since the first time. She must have been working. Still, when I offered, I remember her eyes lighting up. I thanked Astoria and all of my friends one more time, it had to be the prettiest sunray I had seen in months, even in a couple of years, when her whole face did the thing and just… lit up. 

“Oh my Merlin Pansy Parkinson, we’re friends are we not !” It was phrased like a question, but it was not. “OK, what are you doing right now ? Because, to celebrate this newly found friendship, I’d like to treat you to a hot chocolate, or a coffee, if you’re not a softie like me.”

I was not doing anything. So we went. I was not a softie like her, but still got a hot chocolate, to try it for once. And maybe it was time to start cutting my coffee consumption, after all. I don’t remember exactly what we talked about. Probably everything. Maybe that’s what I fell in love with her for. The chaos, the storm, how easy it was to talk to her, how she took my arm to lead me to a cafe, not far from here, they have the best hot cocoa I have ever tasted in town, I swear !, the fire in her words, in her hair, in everything she was and stood for. I mean, I know that is what I am in love with her for right now.   
We talked about Hogwarts, about our favourite subjects, our least favourites, she told me about how she and Dean Thomas were both dating to try and make it seem like they were friends, but also to try and make Seamus and Luna jealous, which succeeded for both of them at the time. She even told me, beaming, how happy she was that Dean and Seamus had finally started dating Neville, and just how absolutely thrilled she was that they would be moving in together soon. I told her very little about myself, but I did end up talking some more about Belzebuth and Draco’s kid. She was surprised to hear about how devoted he was to little Eltanin, who was named after a star that could be seen in the Draco constellation, and which he was raising alone. I saw in her eyes that she did not doubt me, she was even happy for him. A sense of relief could even be felt. “At last”, that’s what her eyes seemed to sigh. I had not met anyone new since my graduation, which had been the preceding month of june, eleven months ago, almost a year. It was a weird feeling, to have to look into myself, and to introduce to someone else some of my characteristics, to introduce myself as a person. It could have felt scary, but she oozed a very calming aura, she made it easier to trust her. She just seemed to be raw, pure good. She made me smile unknowingly, oblivious to the relief and peace her presence brought me.   
And then, she asked a question that made me feel like absolute fucking trash for a couple of days, but ultimately changed my life for ever. 

“And what do you do for a living ?”

I did not do anything was the honest answer. I lived off of my parents’ dirty money, doing nothing all day but play with my cat, babysit Draco’s kid, smoke, and once a week get out and go to the damned painting class. I knew I was pitiful, a rat, living like a leech off of my friends’ pity, doing nothing to better myself, unable to move on with my life, while they had their lives together. So did she probably. I just know that in that moment, my face closed off, so, so, so freaking fast. All that trust was taken back by my overthinking, and my self-esteem issues. Shit. All that nice, nice progress, gone in a heartbeat. She stretched her hand out to mine, on the other side of the table. I became awfully aware of my surroundings. The round table between the two of us, our two hot cocoas, the napkin holder, the cafe’s menu, the large, very large window on my left and her right, the plant going down from the ceiling about our heads on the right of me, left of her and the bar, still on my right, still on her left. She could have asked before touching me. She should have, probably. But she did not, and in the moment, it made me very anxious. I did not dare withdraw my hand, but my gaze decidedly avoided hers. She was chaos and loud, and I was afraid, and calm, she did not notice. 

“Hey, I’m sorry, I did not mean to make you uncomfortable. You don’t have to do anything for a living, if you don’t.”

Other occurrences proved her a better comforter than she was that day, but right there, right then, she made me feel worse to be honest. She must have seen it on my face, and in one of my hand twitches.  
She took her hand back. 

“S-Shit, sorry about my hand, I should have asked. I’m terrible at this. Y-You know what, I’ll leave you alone for today ok ? I just… I asked you kind of so you would ask me back and I would talk to you about my band and how we have a show on Saturday. I kinda wanted to ask you if you would like to come to be honest. Not, as a date or anything, but since you like Art, I was thinking that maybe we could bond over other forms of art. And I’ve come to value your feedback regarding painting, and I mean, painting and music are still art in the end, you know ?”

This time, I put my hand over hers. It felt natural, comforting her. Looking back a couple of hours after, it led me to wonder who comforted me. But in the moment, it just came naturally. I was also very surprised that she would ask me. I wondered when she had decided that she wanted to ask me, was it before offering to go get a hot cocoa, or when I talked about my cat, or maybe even just when I talked to her about Eltanin ; once again, I’ll have to thank my damned cat for making her my friend and asking me to come to her concert. Moreover, I was shocked about her honesty, about why she had asked me about my occupation. Then, I knew she was a truthful person, and I could trust her. Her hand was warm, in mine. Mine are always cold, whether summer or winter, autumn or spring. She had a shirt, and I felt it on the tip of my second and third fingers ; it was soft. 

“I would love to come. Just give me the details ok ? I’ll do my best to come, my schedule is empty anyways. I’ll try to bring a friend though, I am not certain I could go on my own. I am not even certain I’ll be able to come with a friend, since I… have been struggling a bit, lately, but I will try my best to come, ok ? Now tell me more about your band and your music.”

It seemed like I had pressed a button, I don’t know, turned something on, she could not be stopped anymore. She was a bassist and the lead vocalist. In the band were also Parvati Patil, the drums, who was in my year in Gryffindor, Padma Patil, her twin sister, which was a Ravenclaw and the main lyricist and guitarist, and Cho Chang the pianist, a year above. They all took part in the producing, the composing and the writing lyrics, but Padma and Ginny were more involved in lyrics, Cho and Ginny in the composing and Parvati and Ginny in the mood lifting, Ginny took part in everything, and maybe that is why they had made her their leader (it made complete sense to me, I could see her leading, making great speeches, keeping a team together, holding people until they had calmed down). She talked for a while about how the lyrics she and Padma wrote, as they both loved women, were poems about how women were great and just perfect and vulnerable and lovable and cuddleable, and much more qualificatives, which had made them Sappho and the girls. Ginny laughed when she said they were a bit like Dionosus and the trail of people following him, but with women and the celebration of sapphic love.   
She talked for a long while but I did not mind, for as much as she loved to talk, I loved to hear her speak. Maybe that’s the equilibrium between my quiet and her loud, the peace in my silence and her speech, maybe that’s what kept on drawing me in. Maybe after all, I was looking for balance, or for a feeling of completeness. Maybe it’s the way she was the over half of my two piece puzzle that kept me coming back for more, for a closer form of intimacy, for comfort, for feeling seen like she made me seen. 

Then again maybe I did not fall in love with her just then.   
Maybe it was before, the time I first met her, or the time she offered me her hand, the moment she handed me her sketch of me or maybe it happened at any time of any of the classes we had both attended, and maybe, at that point of the story, I was not in love with her and, and it is simply the overbearing love I feel for her, present tense, that influences my memories and makes me think I was in love then, when we were barely friends. What matters is that I love her now, and there is much more to the story than just painting classes and an offer for a coffee. 

Astoria was ok with coming. Blaise was on duty that night, and Theodore was tired. Moreover, Draco needed someone to babysit Eltanin, since he so badly wanted to come. It was good to see Draco go out. Not only had he been busy with the kid, but he also might have gone out, but only when I had locked myself inside. Something about shitty timing, probably. But tonight, our timing, though not perfect, had led us out together, he, Astoria and I. I was grateful for Ginny for getting us an occasion to get together, to go out, just like when we snuck out of our dorms, back in our fifth year, when we did not have any kind of marks on our arms - except for that one scar I had gotten when I had scratched my elbow really badly when I was nine - and we were just old enough to go out and drink. Those were the brightest times of my life.   
As the time we had set to leave for the show came closer, my nerves grew tighter and more painful. My belly felt tinier and tinier and I felt weaker and weaker. Oh my Merlin, would I ever be strong enough, ever ? Spoiler, yes, yes I was. But in the moment, I did not know. And I think I could only go because Draco and Astoria went. I was so glad I had told her, I was so glad I had told Ginny I might come with a couple of friends. I would not have dared come alone, and I would not have dared invite them if I had not told her I would come accompanied.   
I had Draco on my right, Astoria on my left. We went through the doors, and we did not get too close to the stage. We stood in a corner, and Astoria got us a couple of drinks, mine being soft. I had not enjoyed a good apple juice at a concert in… my whole lifetime. 

Then the show started.   
They were phenomenal, all of them. But my eyes could not leave her. She was… all of the magnificent qualifiers all up in one. She mesmerized me, plain and simple. I was smiling. Cho was transported in her music, Padma was carrying the crowd with them, and Parvati was in her own world, or maybe in the same world as Cho’s. And Ginny… Ginny Weasley… I could see all that she had told me about, a couple of days before, about what had made the other members choose her as the group leader. It was past midnight, in a dark room, but it was bright as day in there. Later, when I talked about it with Astoria and Draco, my fated duo, they said there was no particular light in the dark room, except from the spotlights that were lighting the stage up. I can only assume I was already in love by then, or fell in love with the show.   
She had talked to me for about an hour, or two, at the cafe. Yet I learned more about her when she was singing to a crowd, or into the void, than when she had told me about each of her brothers, or her dad, or how he had chosen her name. She felt so vulnerable, in front of me, but also in front of the couple hundreds of people in the room. I don’t know if it meant as much for them as it did for me.   
What is it that makes us know people, eh ? I don’t know, I really don’t know, but at that moment, it felt enough to believe I was in love with her already. It felt like a bubble in time, a parenthesis from pain. I felt seen by their performing, all of theirs, and maybe I needed that, I don’t know. I had my camera with me that night. Well, Draco had his. And I borrowed it. I took a couple pictures, of her mainly, but at least one of each member. She was beautiful. 

Oh Merlin, I was falling in love with Ginny Weasley. 

That thought had come and gone, as if I had been struck by lightning. It had left my mind the same way it came, with a violent quietness. I did not know it, I did not remember in the moment, at the time I did not truly know, it came later, with a step back on the situation. Which I have now.   
After the show, I remember getting out for a smoke, Astoria looking disapprovingly, Draco lending me his favourite lighter. He did not smoke, he just liked having a lighter on himself at all times. And then they came out.   
In any terrible movie scenario, she would have come out, one arm hanging around Padma’s shoulders. She did not. Padma and Cho seemed to be dating though. And oh, was that Lavender Brown and Parvati locking lips, smiling in the kiss ? Yeah, it seemed so. It seemed that Ginny was the only single one. Which chatty sunny Astoria did not refrain from asking, twenty-five seconds into meeting Ginny properly, which she had not done in her years of Hogwarts, none of us had.   
I was so surprised to see how Draco and Ginny instantly hit it off. I cried, on the spot. Not shaky, sobby tears, just, a couple tears, streaming down my face, not much more. I was very happy, and once again, very proud of how far they had come. I loved my friends so much, I almost felt whole in the moment. I just stood on the side, watching them interact, being proud, being happy. Being thankful.   
On the other side of my peripheral vision, Cho, Padma and Astoria seemed to have a good time, they seemed quite absorbed in their conversation. It made me smile even wider. Lavender and Parvati had gone home early, something about Lavender having an exam the next day. It did not bother me, on the contrary, I was glad that I did not have to introduce myself more to new people tonight, I was exhausted.   
Their talking went on for a little while. Ginny was smiling talking to Draco, I could see her crooked tooth in the lampost’s light. Thank you Draco, for making her smile in that moment. It filled me with warmth, like a campfire had lit up, approximately around my sternum. Then, she turned over to me. She had asked me before what I had thought of the show, if I had liked it, and I could not even begin to fathom what I was feeling, so I had just said that yes, I had liked it very very much, thank you so much for the invite, you HAVE to tell me next time you perform again, I want to be there again, it was that good. But when she turned to me, she asked me a question, it was about art and what I made of it, something along the lines of “Do you sing too ?”. Since she painted and sung, she wanted to know if I also dabbled in any other form of Art. I don’t know how we came to talk about it, but I told her about the photos I had taken tonight. Not my usual medium, but I thought I’d still tell her, you know ?   
She got so excited, all of a sudden. I think it was Draco’s time to smile.

“Oh my Merlin love, are you for real ? Oh would you please show them to me once you get them developed ? I would love love love love to buy you one or two or ten !”

She called everyone love when she didn’t call their names, but in the moment, it made me blush. And… smile sheepishly, probably. But I was so, so flattered that she would trust me so blindly, without considering that maybe those were shitty pictures. I mean I know she did not say that with her words, you know, but it was just the way she jumped to grab my hands, or the way she smiled, with her crooked tooth and her head tilted on her right and my left, and her eyes disappearing as her smile gets wider, like tiny crescent moons. Draco would agree with me probably as he saw the scene but probably does not remember it as well as me. Said scene will probably never leave me though, because, once again, she was part of my turning point. Because when I came in, for the following painting class, with an envelope with the prettiest pictures I had taken that night, she once again came up with a brilliant idea. Maybe she had not come up with it on the spot, but it was brilliant nonetheless, or at least I thought it was. 

“Hey, I’m kinda… you don’t have to say yes, right ? But there is this muggle paper that wants to do an article on us, as we are apparently “an up and coming new group”. Would you be ok with selling one of your photographs to them, for the article, say this one ?” She was pointing to a photo I had taken from the corner of the stage on which they all seemed to fit perfectly. Pulitzer winning shit. “Hell, you know what, would you be interested in maybe writing the article ? Like, interviewing us and stuff?”

Maybe the second question was a bit of a rhetorical question, a joke, something I was not supposed to take seriously. But I did. 

“Are you… For real ? Do you think I could do it ? And like, … of course for the photo it would be my pleasure… But like the article ? Maybe that’s a bit far-reached of me, but you know what… I think I’d love to try something like that out. Do you think that would be ok ?”

Maybe it was that I wanted to impress her, or spend some more time with her. Or maybe I had finally spent enough time with her for her stupid Gryffondorness to rub off on me. But in the moment, I loved it. And now, I don’t regret it. 

So I interviewed them, and focused way too much on Ginny, or so I noticed when I went back on the questions to get my material for the article. Or maybe I was just insecure about my growing, not yet admitted to myself feelings for Ginerva Weasley, leader of Sappho and the girls.   
But my focus on her did not mean I did not listen to the others. The interview made me want to be friends with Padma, real bad. She was so interesting, with her sensitivity and the stories about where she drew her inspiration for her lyrics, about her love for Cho… The two of them were so cute, they just were plain adorable. I kind of wanted a love like theirs, I half heartedly admitted to myself. I craved a love like that, that was what was closer to the truth. 

I could feel that Lavender did not trust me though, and I do understand why she would not. She just… had no reason to. We had not seen each other since Hogwarts, and we had not known each other, at all. She had just known about me being part of the Death Eaters, and I had just known about her… ridiculous crush on Ron Weasley. But hey, at least, he was one of the good guys yeah ? Maye like, fourth place, behind Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Neville Longbottom. He was the Chosen One’s best friend. 

When I got back on the recording, this is where my mind wandered off. And it continued wandering off. I did not deserve love or forgiveness after what I had done. How could I ever get over this ? How could anyone ? How could anyone ever love me ?   
I had no good reason, no great justification, like my friends did. I had just… wanted not to leave them alone, sure, but was that a good enough reason to torture kids and muggleborns of all kinds ? I’m pretty sure it wasn’t. But I was not pressured into joining the Death Eaters, not like Draco and the Greengrass were. Sure my parents could be a little intense, of course they were. But so had been Theodore’s, and although he had never been one of the good guys either, he still had never used an Unforgivable Curse. 

I was sitting on my bed, listening to the recording, not smoking - which was a major improvement for me - when I allowed myself to think about Daphné’s death for the first time in over two years. 

We were in the middle of August now. Two years, three months, and a week, a week and a half maybe. That was the first time I allowed myself to think about her as she now was, dead. The first time I allowed myself to think about her at all. She died, during the Battle, on May 2nd, 1998. Shit. She was really dead. She was, she truly was. I grabbed onto my chest. It felt like it had been ripped open. Shit, she was dead. Daphne Greengrass had been dead for two years. My best friend, the closest friend I had ever had. She had been dead for two years. And I was only coming to terms with it then. I had never said goodbye to her, I had not been to her funeral, I had not been there for any of my friends when they were grieving, I had not been there for Astoria, her own sister. I had been so selfish, fuck. 

Shyly, as if I was passing my head through a door I had forbidden myself to cross, I dared remember her, it was like being invited in.   
Her smile in the hallways, her flicking my forehead when we were working for our exams, during our fifth year, her helping a first year up when Millicent had tripped him. Her crying when Theodore had broken up with her, for getting involved with the Death Eaters, her holding my hand through it all, her the day we first met in the Hogwarts express, her promise that we would always be here for each other. It all came crashing down on me violently, and out of the blue, me braiding her hair, putting daisies in it, us getting shushed by our other dormmates, her encouraging me to go and ask Katie Bell out - which, I got rejected, but we made out that night, then went on a couple of dates. Maybe that does not truly count as rejection. 

I cried. I was shook by spasms for an hour, my hand over my mouth, not daring to realize what was actually going on. I had just forgotten all of that, I had pushed it into a corner of my mind and done my best to ignore it. I had done my best to ignore her life, and what of her had stayed with me, just so I could ignore that she was gone, that she was… dead. I don’t know if I can ever truly wholeheartedly forgive myself for that. I have not reached that stage of forgiveness yet, and I don’t know if I want to. 

I called Astoria. 

“Astoria, fuck, fuck, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry for Daphne.”

That was all I could repeat, with small differences in the used vocabulary, from one sentence to another. 

“Hey Pansy-sweetheart, sh, I’m coming over.”

Twenty-four minutes later, there she stood. Astoria. My friend. Daphne’s sister, my now gone best friend's sister. My friend. We held each other in silence. I did not know what to say. How do you ask for forgiveness for something like that ? I had tried to erase her existence, the existence of her sister, I had not helped her, or any of them through grief. How do you beg for forgiveness for something as violent. For two years, I had not even granted Daphne the right to be remembered.   
So that’s what I told Astoria. 

“I don’t know how you could ever fucking forgive me. I don’t deserve it. I’ll never fucking deserve it, leaving you all alone, like that, when she meant the world to me like she did… Like she did for all of us. Fuck, Astoria, I’m so sorry, fuck.”

I felt myself crumbling onto myself when the next few words got out of her lips. 

“But Pansy, I have forgiven you. That day, when I found you. You always remained my friend, right. But I resented you. And when I saw you, that one day. I resented you for everything at once and then it was all gone. I know you’ve been beating yourself up a lot more than I could have, ever. And you don’t deserve that, ok ? To each their path, to each their grief.”

It was not fair. I had let a sixteen years old keep everyone together and organize her older sister’s funeral, and she had forgiven me ? No, no, no, I hated that I had let Astoria go through that, comfort everyone at the funeral and just stand strong, she was just sixteen, and now just eighteen, she deserved better, she would have deserved to go out and get drunk, not mourn her sister she had lost to a war bigger than any of us and without the help of one of her closest friends.   
I held her in my arms, pulling her closer. 

“I’m so sorry it took me so long, but I’m here ok ? You don’t have to be strong anymore, I’ll protect you know, as I should have. I’m so sorry.”

She did not break. It would take time. But this time, I would be here for her, and I would be here any time she would need me. I would be here every step of the way, if need be, until she felt like she could be weak, and vulnerable and silly again. I would be here. 

We did not talk about Daphne, not yet, not the first time. We did not talk a lot. We did not cry, or only I did, I can’t really remember. I had cried a lot that day. We watched a movie, and we just cuddled. It felt like I was coming back, things felt more real. And I could finally be here for Astoria.   
When she left, I apologized one more time, and she made me promise it would be the last. She had forgiven me, she had told me that already. No need to overdo it. And she had smiled, while saying that, but there was a crack, in that smile. That was my first step, that was my mission now. To get Astoria to allow herself to feel and be weak again.   
When she left, I called Blaise, and I called Theodore, and I called Draco, one by one. I apologized, to each and everyone of them. Draco resented me at the time, and I understood, he had a right to. Blaise and Theodore had lost a friend, but Draco and Daphne’s relationship had run deeper than that. it had been ambiguous, unclear, but it had been important, it took up a lot of room in his life. I can only imagine how empty he must have felt when, without a warning, all that space, poof! was vacant again. 

Blaise offered to go visit her. Her grave.   
I did not even know where she had been buried. I felt terrible about it, I did not even know where my best friend was buried. I had not been there for her when she had been taken from us. Neither of us had kept our promise to be there for one another, or so it had seemed.   
I said yes to Blaise, but not today. I had an article to finish, and I was already feeling exhausted. I thanked him. I had thanked Draco and Theodore, and apologized, of course. But what Blaise was offering meant more. It must have been taking a toll on him but still, he was offering to come with me. He had never been too good with his own emotions, I’ve never been more grateful of his abilities to understand other’s than at that time. I needed someone like him in my life to get through it, the grief, the guilt, the emptiness. To go through seeing her again. And so we went.

After that, came another painting lesson. Lesson before which I had completed my article, by the way. I had Ginny reread it, and she said it was perfect which wasn’t true. I still look back on it sometimes, to remind myself of how far I’ve come, with everything. Yeah, I guess I do have a bit of a lot of things to look back on. But that’s good, I never want to forget anything as big as Daphne ever again. She liked my article then, and brought it to the newspaper that wanted said article. They were hippies, I remember thinking they were when Ginny gave me their feedback, the week after ; they were delighted to know the article had been written by a friend-to-be of the band, because it gave a more personal insight on the members and their stories, since as I was writing the article, I was also getting to know them for personal purposes. I remember blushing when she told me all that, and plain burning up when she kissed my cheek and told me she was proud of me. That’s who she was, and who she still is, a cheek kisser, sure. But to me, slowly admitting to myself that I had a big big crush on her, that was devastating. Maybe I fell in love with the brushing of her chapped lips on my red cheek. 

I had a bubble of courage burst inside of me, around my sternum level, and I asked her :   
“Hot cocoa ?  
\- God Pansy, is this a date ?”

A burst of courage, again, got me to not deny it was. A burst of shyness, on the other end, cut the conversation with a shoulder shrug and a :

“You’d so like that princess. Yes or no ? You got me my first job, let me treat you this time.”

She did not answer anything, at first, her eyes glimmering with some kind of chaotic joy, for she had been challenged, her lips stretched into a smile, parted just about enough to allow me to see her crooked tooth. She nodded, and took my arm. 

“You know, you have to tell me about how you got this tooth crooked. I’ve been wondering about it. Was it that you tragically fell from your broom when you were eight ? Or that one of your two hundred eighty-four brothers beat you up ?”

I smiled as I said that, we had just sat down, our hot cocoas in hand, facing each other, trying to start a conversation. Damn, I was doing so much better, trying to maintain conversations with people I had a crush on (it only happened with her, I only had a crush on her), asking them to go for a hot cocoa, almost flirting, trying to get to know them better (I use them, but we all know I am still talking about only her). I was feeling ok. Not necessarily violently happy, just, ok, comfortable almost. 

“Yeah, it was Fred and George actually. We were play-fighting and I fell off the bed.” 

She was laughing, but I saw her mouth twitch. Shit. Was that the brother she had lost, one of the two of them ? Shit, shit, shit, shit, I had cruelly messed up, right ? I couldn’t know, of course, and I would have never done it on purpose, ever. Shit, I could not stop it, I could not be rude but I wanted to preserve her. I did nothing anyways. 

“Those were the good days, am I right… when there were seven of us.” 

She had something so pained in the voice. I slid from the side of the table I was sitting on to go sit next to her. I didn’t ask verbally, but there was an exchange of gestures that asked if I could take her hand, if it was ok. It was. I took it. 

“I… It’s just… It’s been two years, right ? But there are still memories I had not been reminded of since he… d… since he died…” She almost choked saying it. “And I miss him everyday, you know ? And it’s just… I’m afraid I’ll forget him, so the pain that comes with remembering him is good, I’d rather be in pain my whole life than to forget him. Oh Merlin I’m sorry, I feel so stupid.”

She was not crying yet, not yet, her eyes just seemed to be drowning. I let go of her hand, and wrapped mine around her shoulder, before moving it to the top of her head, to lead it to rest on mine. I was caressing her hair when she started crying.   
I did not know what I was doing.   
I decided to start speaking. I was not looking at her, I was actually looking as far as I could from her, right in front of me, barely blinking. I did not know why or how I started telling her about Daphne, the strength that came over me, but it happened. 

“You might curse at me for what I am about to say, but please bear with me, ok ?” 

Deep breath in. 

“I lost someone too during the war. It was my best friend, Daphne Greengrass during the War. Now, this is where you might be cursing me, thinking “How the hell does this piece of absolute garbage dare compare her best friend, which was probably a Death Eater piece of shit like her, to my brother ?”, and I’m in no way shape or form asking for forgiveness or pity for myself but… Her… She was everything. There were other people in my life, sure, but she was enough to just be everything, you know ? Or maybe that’s just the way I remember her now that she can no longer be the huge pain in my ass she used to be. But during the last battle, she… was taken. She and I had made a promise, to always be there for each other, right ? So when her parents tortured Astoria, her little sister, so that she would get the mark, join the Death Eaters, I joined with her. I would have probably joined anyways, uh ? I always was a bully, wanting to have more power, always more power, I always was a hungry whore. And, I never was a leader, but Draco had been pressured into joining, Astoria, Daphne, and those I liked less, like Crabbe, Goyle, or Millicent. So you know, yeah, I joined, to be there with her, but she, unlike I, stayed fucking pure. She never tortured one single muggleborn, you know that ? She even beat me up once. She was the best person I had ever met, right ? And during the battle, she decided I was worth saving, because when one of yours aimed at me, she took the hit. And it wasn’t just a Stupefix, it was a peculiarly vicious one, yeah ? Fucking Impero that ordered her to end herself. It was that fucking more violent to watch. I think Crabbe or Milicient killed the guy right after, but it didn’t change the fact that she was bleeding out on my knees, with her sister nowhere to be seen, so she could not say goodbye to the person she had given up everything for. She left talking to me, you know.” 

I felt emotionless saying those words, though my voice had cracked at some point, I could almost see myself say it from outside of my body. But I couldn’t be stopped, and she did not try ; those words had been stuck somewhere in me for the past two years and now that they had started flowing out, they could not be stopped, they had to get out. 

“You know what’s the fucking worse ? Until a couple weeks ago, I had forced myself to forget. I had no fucking idea she had existed. If you had asked me anything about her… Well I have no clue how I would have reacted. I guess people must have asked at some point, but I have no memory of it. That’s the worse fucking part, you know. She deemed me worth saving, and she even broke her promise to always stay by my side to save me, you know, and I forgot her. I… I completely forgot about her. And I did not even take care of myself properly, you know ? It was terrible. I hurt myself, and I stopped functioning after graduating from Hogwarts. It was terrible, truly it was. And it probably would have happened, with or without her absence, but she would have noticed much sooner, and I wouldn’t be in so deep, I guess. ‘Cause, yeah, well… I guess I’m not ok either, not yet, and I don’t know if I’ll ever get truly better, you know ?”

There was a silence. She had stopped crying, but I was still staring right in front of me, still barely any flinching. Some of my muscles were just tense and twitched from time to time. 

“I went to her grave, a couple of days after I remembered her. I went with Blaise, I’m sure you know who Blaise is. Always was a quiet kid, but always around. He was better than any of us, and probably luckier too. His mother never pressured him into becoming a Death Eater, she even disliked them so, yeah. Lucky. But he still blames himself for Daphne not being among us anymore. He told me so himself when we were walking towards the cemetery - we went on foot so we’d have more time to talk. He told me if he had been there, maybe, just maybe, he would have found a way to save her. But he left Hogwarts after the Easter holidays, his mom helped him hide from the Carrow siblings, and together, Blaise and his mom, they’re just unstoppable you know. But yeah, we went to the cemetery, and I was awaiting something so grand, I don’t know, end of a book’s plot kind of grand revelation. But no, it was just a piece of land, with her name written atop the grave. That’s all that’s left of her ? Shit, I missed two years, I did not grieve for two years, I was just locked away in my silence and away from my memories, because it was so much easier. I should have fucking helped, I don’t know. But I did none of that. So yeah.”

Another pause. Longer this time.

“I’m… I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me, I- I don’t usually talk that much I swear, it’s just been heavy having to grieve when they’re all so far ahead of me, and I have to catch up you know but I barely had two weeks to process and… Shit, I don’t know why I was saying any of this, I hope I did not cause even more harm to you, Ginny…”

She had not lifted her head from my shoulder until I said her name. It was probably the first time I said her name in a sentence addressed to her. Or the first time I said her name when she could hear. It felt like an electric shock. I tried not to think about it so much, but in the moment, the only thing I could think about were her name and my eyes that were staring at her chapped, chapped lips. 

We did not kiss that day, thank Merlin. It would have been too fucking weird, we’d both have been taking advantage of each other’s weakness and letting our guards down. That would have been so fucking unhealthy. So we didn’t. She held my hand, thanked me for trusting her. I was quite sure she would never speak to me again. I had never talked about being a Death Eater like I just had, not with Blaise, Draco, Astoria or Theodore, and now I did it with one of the good guys, that I barely knew ? Shit, I really was dumb, uh.   
We talked about lighter things after, but my mind was not really to it, and I don’t know if hers was. I remember I insisted on paying for her hot cocoa, to pay her back for listening to me, and I had said I would treat her for getting me and my article and my photographs published in a hippie newspaper. We parted ways not too long after, her hands still holding onto mine, after a quick brush of her lips against my cheek and a mutual “see you next week Love/Ginny”.

When I got home, I needed a shower.   
I needed to sleep too, but a shower first. 

I was lucky enough to have a bath tub, but I did not need a bath, just a shower. So I got in right away, testing the water temperature with my hand before getting my whole body under the water stream. My body… I had not thought about it in a while. When it had become too hard to move it around, I had just stopped perceiving it altogether. It had just been easier that way. But there it still was, no matter what, feeling dozens of droplets of water crash onto itself second per second. I breathed in. Shit, what I had done, opening up like that, that was so foolish of me I could not believe I had been that completely and utterly idiotic. I could not open up when Astoria or Draco asked, but when poor Ginny Weasley did not ask anything, I dropped my life story onto her ? Shit.   
I crouched, still under the stream, locks of my hair being completely soaked and acting as curtains to shield my face for the outside world. I was staring at the bottom of my bathtub, arms hugging my legs. My brain felt like eggs that were being burnt and scrambled. Shit. The water was still running, the droplets hitting the skin of my ears, sounding like an awning being repeatedly hit by rain. I felt naked under the rain, but my skin was being burnt by the water, that I had set to be too hot, since I was just… wanting to feel something, I suppose.   
Water was streaming down my face, getting into my eyes, feeling like artificial tears. I don’t know why, but I could not get myself to cry anything but those tears that weren’t mine, even when I wanted to, so badly. I felt like I was drowning from the inside. I suddenly remembered my mother, her voice coming into my head, ringing into my ears as if there were suddenly no shower, no rain, or no artificial tears. “If things stay humid, they will quite simply rot.” That’s it, I was doomed, I would be rotting from the inside of me until the day I would die, at last. I realized I had been holding my breath. I gasped for air. 

Nothing came. 

I was not under water, no more than under the rain. But I was still drowning.   
I gasped one more. Nothing still. My breathing got faster. Shit. No air ? No air ? Nothing came ? Oh my Merlin, God, Gods, please just grant me some air, I was really gonna die butt naked under my shower, drowned on air while showering I was gonna die, that was the only possible option, yes ? 

Later, way later, a couple years later, when I described that moment to Blaise, he just diagnosed, quite plainly, a panic attack. I had never had a panic attack before. It was a terrifying experience.   
After this one panic attack, which lasted several minutes due to me getting stuck too deep into my head to breathe or stop shaking, I was to have several others, some at social functions, some alone, some with a friend to hold me, some with my lover to reassure me.


	2. Blue then Orange, when you needed saving, but I wasn’t quite healed yet

Two years had gone by. She was a great friend of mine now. Nothing too romantic had happened between us since that one moment of vulnerability, I mean, there had been no dates, no asking each other our. I had come to admit to myself that I did have feelings for her, but I was fine with not acting on it. I was all but ready for a relationship, and she was important to me, and my growth, and my healing. I was not ready to be put at risk of losing that, it meant too much.   
And yeah, also, she… she had a girlfriend now. She and Hannah Abbot had been dating for a couple of months. Hannah came to one of their concerts, upon Padma’s invitation, and had asked her out right after the show. Ginny had seemed lost, upon Hannah asking her, but eventually, the former Hufflepuff had brought the former Gryffindor to her favourite café. It had become their café.   
I wasn’t too mad about the café, because it meant the hot cocoa place would remain kind of our spot. I wasn’t mad about anything actually. I knew I had no right to be, and even if I did, I wouldn’t have been mad. It was me who was at fault for not confessing earlier. Actually, no, not confessing until I was actually ready for a relationship was a very brave and mature thing to do on my end. The only thing I ever truly blamed was timing. Because I knew, I knew I was to fall in love with her, I knew it. I had not let myself fall in love with someone I was not in a relationship with, I would not be giving that much of myself romantically. But I still knew that, even if our friendship was already making me happy, being in a romantical relationship with her, being able to call her my girlfriend, my partner, that would have made me happier in a whole new way. It would have made me feel more whole, you know ? But I did not want to place that burden on her, for her, first of all, but for me. I wanted to be happy thanks to me, feeling whole with just myself. 

For being able to think in such a mature way, I really do have to thank my therapist.  
I had decided, a couple of weeks after my breakdown in the shower, and a few weeks after having visited Daphné’s grave, that I should go to surgery. Blaise, who was great with medicines, all kinds of medicines, including muggle medicine, introduced me to the concept. I was reluctant at first, very much so. I did not know that I could ever open up, to anyone, even less to a muggle I would never know anything about. But I went anyways.  
The first couple of sessions, I talked about the most mundane things. When I had called to make the appointment, I had said I needed help. But it took me six sessions to open up about my parents, or my addiction to cigarettes, or my urges to harm myself, or my feeling of suffocating, the air refusing to get into my lungs, my panic attacks. Of course, I was not telling the whole truth. I could not talk about the magic war to my muggle therapist, but I could invent,... sort of stories, I guess, to pass on what I wanted to communicate. I learned to breathe again. I learned to ground myself. I learned, little bit by little bit to undo the guilt that was crippling me. My chest felt freer and freer. 

I was growing fond of muggles, at first like a child and their pet bird, then more and more like equals, and not just tiny creatures that needed protection. I feel like me moving to London was a great help with everything. And almost getting run over by a car when I was crossing an avenue helped with thinking that maybe muggles weren’t all that defenseless.   
I was working for a new newspaper, getting published weekly, with my own pictures next to my articles, working at a café on the side to pay for the bills. Little by little, I had decided to donate my parents’ money, and only keep a little, to establish a trust fund for myself, until I could do so with my own hard-earned money.   
Blaise had been transferred to London, he was the reason I had moved, and we had become roommates. Astoria, Draco, Theodore and the band had not moved, with each their reasons, but both cities weren’t too far from each other, so either they would come to London or we would go to them. Sappho and the girls and our friend group sometimes merged, and they sometimes took part in our bi-monthly reunions (we refused to go any longer without seeing each other). Sometimes, the band would come perform in London, for one night, and we would go to the show and go grab a bite after. Sometimes it would just be Ginny and I, and when I got home, sometimes early in the morning, Blaise, who would be leaving for work, would kiss my forehead and tease me with one sarcastic yet soft remark. Living with him was doing wonders for me. 

And so I loved Ginny Weasley, and so we would have conversations that would not end if the owners of th pubs we went to did not kick us out to close and throw us and the remaining customers on the sidewalk (sometimes we were the only two left), and so sometimes, when I got a little tipsy, I would really insist on how pretty she was, and how soft her hands were, and so life went on.   
I remember this time of my life so fondly, because it was so soft and sweet, without any commitment. It was also hard, because healing took a lot from me, of course. But I was not alone, almost never, and I was never, ever, ever lonely. I don’t remember the exact moment my grip on the idea that it would get better got firmer, but I know it did, and I know that with hope, it felt like I could overcome anything. I had not had hope in years, and it felt so nice. 

I had brought my cat with me, Belzebuth. He and I looked almost the same when I turned, although he was a cat, and I became a bird. I only turned at night, so I did not know my colours well, because under the moonlight, Belze and I both looked blue.   
I remember the first time I turned in front of Blaise, I remember getting on his shoulder, and his jaw dropping. I remember him softly caressing my feathers, and telling me how beautiful I was as a bird. It was just pure amazement. I had gotten registered, alongside Astoria the moth and Theodore the husky dog, and then we had offered Draco and him to try. They had both turned the idea down, each for the same reason they had refused to become Animagi in the first place, and we had not pushed it further. I remember the blessed nights where Draco would bring Eltanin to a park, and we would all meet up. Theodore, Astoria and I would all turn, Blaise or Draco would take the kid on their lap, or watch other him as he stumbled away - as he did more stumbling than walking. We would play together, or sometimes with them, mostly all of us together, I would protect Astoria from other birds, and Blaise would scratch Theodore’s chin.   
Flying… I still enjoy it nowadays. It is beyond comparison. I cannot begin to explain it and so I won’t try. 

Apart from flying, and more simply turning into a bird, I was restricting my use of magic to a minimum. I was keeping my wand in a closet, learning to live the muggle way to be a hundred percent certain I would stop being the ignorant “pure-blooded” witch I used to be, to know to treat everyone with respect. I knew I had gotten so much better with undoing the thinking processes my parents had ingrained in my brain, but the first couple of couple of months I could still catch myself, a slip of the tongue that reminded me of the violence I had perpetrated and the harm I had caused. There would be no more of that, and I was to make sure of it. 

Overall, I was doing so much better. It still stung when I saw Ginny looking so lovingly at Hannah, but I was happy, life was still a struggle everyday, but less and less. I had cut my cigarette consumption to three or less a day, and had taken a vow to only smoke outside, so that my and Blaise’s apartment would be free of that crap. I had made new friends, muggles and wizard alike, ex-Order of the Phoenix, ex-neutral, ex-Death Eater, or simple ex-high schoolers, college students, people with a job. I was not infinitely close with each and everyone of them, but most times, when I went for a walk, I could wave at someone who was actually a regular at the café, or someone I had met at a photoshoot, someone I had interviewed maybe. And I was still pretty much introverted, but it felt good. My friends were happy, becoming better people everyday, and I was proud of us.

On the other hand, to be honest, sometimes I worried about Ginny. I was seeing the bags under her eyes as they seemed to dig deeper and deeper and more purple and more purple under her eyes. When I asked about it, she would say she had a fight with Hannah that night, and her smile would flicker for the tiniest moment, and she would say she had then went for a walk because she had been inspired for lyrics for a new song and so, in the end, she had not slept at all, or something like that. The band was going great, and even better and better to be honest, so that did not worry me. They had released their first full length album, and I had interviewed them once or twice more since the first time, only my articles got better and better. And Ginny had a wonderful girlfriend who she loved very much, so nothing to worry about right ? But I couldn’t help it. 

And then, you know how I like to think of some events as turning points, there was a turning point.   
Sappho and the girls had been offered to tour throughout western Europe. It was majestic, it was brilliant, it was the recognition a band that started out for fun would have never thought of getting !! And yet they did, and I was so happy for them. Ginny told me first, and I jumped into her arms to congratulate her. It was so wonderful, it felt like such a wonderful new step, and I would try to come see them, at least in Paris, and oh my God, truly, they deserved it, they really did, they had worked so, so hard for this ! 

“What would you say… to coming with us ?”

I had let go of her, the thought of maybe the hug being too intimate, and maybe risking to expose my feelings brushing my mind, but mostly confused. I raised an eyebrow (or tried to, I had never been able to raise one single eyebrow. Doesn’t matter, I’m pretty sure my face showed my confusion anyways). 

“This is why I’m talking about it with you alone before telling Astoria, or Draco, Blaise or Theodore. Since you know, you did our first interview ever, and you’re someone we trust, and someone that won’t make up stories to get more readers, we were wondering if you would come with us, we got one extra sit in the tour bus, and document our tour with pictures, and put memories into words, for the live album we may or may not be thinking about releasing after said european tour. We trust your words and your pictures, you know ? I mean, I know I do, the idea was mine, but all the others almost jumped at the idea, and how cool would that be, you know !? So what do you say ?”

I smile so, so widely. That is also something I had been better at, smiling. It came with being happy, probably. 

“I’m so honoured you think of me, I don't know if you realise how big of an honour that is, like, truly, it is  
\- So, what do you say ?   
\- Of course I am going to say yes dummy ! I’ll have to have a talk with your manager, of course, but he and I will settle the details. Now c'mere princess.”

I hugged her again, not caring this time, and I could have sworn I had felt her melt into my arms, as if she felt safe, somehow. That was the biggest honour that day, and it became and even bigger honour when I learned everything she was going through at the time.

So I made my arrangements, they told the rest of our friends (we could call ourselves a single group of friends, although, again, some of us were closer to some of the members than the others), the ex-Slytherins planned to go here and there to concerts, in Paris, in Krakow, in Madrid, and of course, all of us would be at the first concert, in London, and the last, in the town it had all begun. The idea had made us all excited. I had smiled proudly when Padma had told the rest, because I knew what was coming. I had jumped on my feet, and I’m pretty sure I was just completely beaming.

“I’m saying it again, to the whole group this time, but guys, I’m really so excited for you, and I can’t wait to come with you all, and document you, and, I don’t know if Ginny passed on my gratitude, but again I am so, so thankful that you would trust me with this.  
\- Awn, of course love ! You were our first interviewer and our first official photo, who else !”

This was Cho, she too was beaming, and grabbed me into a warm embrace. I was so happy I could call them my friends. 

*****trigger warning : abusive relationship******

There was something I did not expect of this night though : the fact that apparently, Ginny had not told Hannah about my coming with them, or about the tour at all apparently, and the fact that it would make the red-head’s girlfriend very, very mad.   
When they went out together, Hannah for a smoke, Ginny to accompany her lover, we thought nothing of it. And they took a lot of time, but we thought nothing of it, again. When even joked there might be a lot of making out involved, and that we’d better not disturb them. We were in Astoria’s newly bought house, in the suburbs, she even had a small garden. That’s where they were, the garden, while we were sitting on Astoria’s sofa in the living room, joking, congratulating the girls, again, on their tour, Padma and Cho all lovey-dovey, Blaise looking at Theodore love-sickly - I had come to notice something seemed to be going on between the two of us but had decided not to push it, since they were both very private people. The rest of us were single, Lavender and Parvati had broken up, and Astoria had dated in the past years, but nothing serious. We were all doing pretty well in our daily lives, and this evening was not our only night that had been this sweet, and this important. 

But still, if these nights were important, I needed breaks, because the noise, the laughs, the wholeness of it all, sometimes it quickened my breath, and it made my head spin. Astoria knew about it, and so did Blaise, and maybe the others had come to notice it too, but nobody had ever made any comment about it.   
So, that night, I had given a look to Astoria, the look, the one that always meant “there’s no need to follow me, I just need to catch a breath” and I had gone to the kitchen. What I had not planned on, and what Hannah had certainly not planned on, is that Astoria’s kitchen’s windows gave quite the direct view on the garden, and had poor sound isolation. I did not think much of it, when I came in the room and did not turn on the lights, I did not wanna pry, I did not want to overhear, or to spy on them, I just needed my senses to relax one moment. And that they could not do when I heard Hannah and Ginny scream at each other.   
When I say scream, I mean that Hannah, who was a few inches shorter than Ginny, had still managed to make herself look so much bigger, and that Ginny, whose presence could usually take up the space in an entire room, seemed tiny, and looked like a flower like she always did, but a flower at night, and after her blooming time. The singer was shushing her girlfriend, trying to get her to lower her voice, while the other screamed things I did not want to hear. I tried to, not hear them I mean, but she did not make herself discreet at all. 

“... and you’re letting that whore come with you, and you had told her before me ? What do you think I look like Ginny, uh ? Shit, I hate getting angry like that, but look at what you make me do, answer me Ginny, what the fuck do you think I look like, uh ? Are you cheating on me with that fucking Death Eater ? She fucking tortured kids, and probably got fucked by one of the Carrow siblings while the other one was watching, and you prefer her over me ? I fought in this damn war side by side with you, against the murderers of her kind, and that’s what you fucking do to me ? Do you think this is easy for me, Ginny, uh ? Do you ? Do you think it’s all fun and fucking games ? Did she and fucking Malfoy fucking brainwash you ? Or are you just as stupid as people say you are, uh ? I want to believe in you and in us so fucking bad, Ginny, but you’re making it kinda hard here.”

And she kept going, and she kept going. Ginny, between two shushing sessions, would repeat things I could not hear, seeing her lips move but only lit up by Hannah’s lighter and the lamppost at the corner of the street, not enough to read what she was saying.

I was frozen. I really did deserve that, and worse. I had been a fucking child torturer, no matter how bad I was trying to make ammends. She was lying on some parts, of course, I would have never touched the Carrow siblings, not even with a stick, hell no, but for the most part, she was right. I had been a Death Eater, I had tortured people, they had been the good guys, and I had been on the side of racists and murderers.   
Then why was she being so violent with her words, the words spoken to Ginny ? I had never truly been in a relationship but that could not be normal, could it ?   
The thought sprung between my eating myself up.   
She was still speaking, still insulting me. 

“... maybe they had nothing to do with it, and that piece of You-Know-Who from your first year stuck with you and you are becoming more and more like him, slowly, maybe they’re your kin, the killers, the …”

When she heard those words, my Ginny broke. Her knees gave up, and she ended up crouched in a fetal position. She seemed to be in so much pain, my fist clenched. Who cared what relationships were supposed to be like, no one would break her like she had just been broken. I might remain a terrible person my whole entire life, and I was ok with that, and I deserved it, but I would protect the ones I loved this time around.   
I drew my wand and stormed out of the kitchen and into the garden, hair floating around me, wand still drawn, pointing it at Hannah. 

“Get away from her.”

I wanted my voice as calm as I could, but it was still trembling with rage. It did not hit me back then, but I was in a muggle neighbourhood, but nowadays I wonder what would have happened if a muggle had looked out of their window and in Astoria’s garden that night.   
Hannah did not move. She turned to Ginny : 

“See what I just told you ? She would kill me in a heartb-  
\- Get, away, from her.” 

Maybe that’s when she realized how serious I was. 

“I heard you from the kitchen. And I deserve all of the fucking terrible things you said to me, except for the fucking Carrow part. But you will not, and I hope I am making myself very clear, you will not hurt her anymore.”

I could not use my magic, of course I couldn’t. And I wouldn’t. But I needed her to back away from Ginny, I needed to get closer to Ginny, to hold her, to make sure she was ok.   
Hannah called the others out. Let them come, I thought. While she was distracted, a satisfied smile on her lips, I got to Ginny, and crouched next to her, still an eye on Hannah. She would not get me, I would not be taken by surprise, right now she felt as dangerous as Daphné’s murderer. 

“Ginny, can I touch you ? ”

She was weeping, she sounded like a weeping animal. She nodded, I was sure of it. So I passed my arm around her, eyes still on Hannah, although the others were coming, and I could see the veranda starting to light up.   
I could barely scream with surprise when we were warped away from the situation. She had Disapparated us both. We appeared as I fell silent, we were on a bed. It was still night time. A room, tiny, tiny room, with a window that allowed you to see a garden or a field. How high up could we possibly be ? Ginny clung to me, tighter and tighter, still in foetal position, still tears streaming down her face, still not looking at me. 

*****end of trigger warning*****

“Don’t leave me, please.”

Her hand had grabbed my shirt so tight she could have probably ripped a piece of it. I stroked her hair. She looked so tiny, and my heart ached from seeing her like that. 

“OK, Princess, OK, I’m not leaving you tonight. Breathe. I’m here. Let it out.”

And as I was stroking her hair, and her breathing calmed down, she fell asleep. I only let go of her for a moment, to get her shoes off her feet, and mine off of mine, then went back to cuddle her, big spoon style. Not long after, I too was falling asleep. Her hair smelt of citrus and oranges, and of clove. 

When I woke up the next morning, I felt that I had overstayed my welcome. I did not know where I was, I did not know where she had brought me, and I did not know if this place was safe, it was reckless of me to fall asleep. Hannah’s word kept running and running and running again in my head. I should not be here, and maybe I should not have intervened yesterday after all ? It was their business, not mine, I had no right to butt in… Ginny’s face, broken, came back to me. No, this action was right.   
I breathed in, sat up on the bed we had slept in. She was still sleeping. She was so beautiful, but I could not feel anything but my overstepping, and her deserving better. I should just check the house to know where she had taken us, and when I knew it was safe, I could go. That’s what I thought, and that’s what I decided to do. I grabbed my shoes, careful as to not wake her up. I held each of my shoes with one finger, my index in one, my third finger in the other, the tip of the shoes facing the ground. I slipped out of the room, and was faced with a corridor, with what seemed to be another bedroom at the end of it, and a bathroom in between the two bedrooms. There was also a staircase that went both up and down. You could go even higher ? I decided to go down. I would start at the bottom, and search the whole house until I found someone, or did not.   
On the lowest floor, there seemed to be more light. There was a living room, the entrance was probably that way and, I guessed, that must be where the kitchen is.   
No one in the living room. In the kitchen…   
I opened the door. I was still wary, still thinking that I could run into danger any time when I spotted red hair. I was looking at the person’s back, and they seemed to be making themselves breakfast, maybe coffee, or a hot chocolate. I had only passed my head through the door, and decided to bring my whole body in the room along with it. The silhouette felt familiar somehow, I relaxed a bit. 

“Excuse me …”

The person turned around violently. Oh ! Percy Weasley, Ginny’s brother. He had been Head Boy, and had dated a Head Girl probably. That’s where I knew him from. 

“Would you mind telling me where we are ?”

He drew his wand.   
The scene would have been so funny, from an outside perspective. Me, lost, shoeless in a kitchen I did not know, eyes puffy with sleep I had barely gotten out of, and him, in his pajamas, wand drawn, a splatter of the coffee he had spilled when he had turned around. It did not last long though, because he had to put his shirt under running water because it was burning his stomach, and probably ruining said shirt. He was not facing me anymore when he spoke. His voice was cold

“What the hell are you doing here, Pansy Parkinson ?  
\- Ah, that’s a good question. Ginny Apparated us here yesterday evening. Sorry to be asking once again but… what is “here” ?  
\- The Burrow. Our family’s house.   
\- Ah. Ah…”

It made sense that she would come to her childhood home when she had been in distress like she had. It did not truly make sense that she would bring me with her though. If she felt safe here, did that mean she felt safe with me too ? I felt a tug on my heart strings. It filled me with joy, and pride, that thought, but at the same time, it terrified me. She should have had better people by her side. Her bandmates, Luna Lovegood, Astoria even. Not me. I did not deserve the truth I did-   
I breathed in. Now was not the time. 

“I’m sorry to be barging in here. She brought me here yesterday, she’s upstairs, still sleeping. And, I don’t want to butt into business that’s not mine, and I’m sorry if I’m intruding, but as someone who wants the best for her, I have to say I believe she’ll probably need one of her brothers by her side after yesterday evening… She’s been… emotionally distraught, to say the least… Not by me ! I’m just… I don’t know why she brought me here, but she asked me not to leave last night so I stayed but… Yeah, I shouldn’t be here, probably. Is it ok, if I go ?”

Percy had the saddest smile on his face. He did not answer with any words, at first, but gestured to me to take a seat. Ah… Well, I was in his house, he was my host, I could not quite refuse now, could I ? He sat and so did I, facing him, on the opposite end of the very large table. 

“Are you sure you should go?” He paused. He exhaled “There was a time during which she trusted me more than anyone, and I prided myself in that, and I still do, I’m still proud that I had her trust. What I will never forget myself for is that I broke it. I broke all of their trust.” He gestured in the air. His family, that’s what he meant. “And you know, we lost Fred. I’ll never get Fred’s trust back. And I got mom’s and dad’s, and Bill’s maybe.The others, I’m still working on it. She does not trust me as she once did. And she brought you here, so you should probably stay. I dare think that if she brought you of all people here of all places, she trusts you. And she doesn’t need her trust broken once more.”

I shook my head. It wasn’t about that she just deserved better, she needed better, Hannah had been correct about me. And I was so out of place here… At least, he had the advantage of being in his own home. 

“I can’t, I’m sorry, I’m not what she needs right now.”

He nodded. It was simple as that, and it felt like he somehow could understand. Maybe because he had been on the bad guys’ side at some point too. I had not met many people like him. I still don’t know what I mean by “people like him” but it just feels like… It feels right to say that. To think there’s a category of him out there. I felt like I should probably get out, in the garden. I stood up, and stared at him. I wanted for him to pass a message onto her, something, but I did not know what to say. 

“Please take care of her well ?”

He nodded again. As I stepped out into the garden, he rose to his feet too and caught up with me. 

“You know, questioning yourself is usually a good person thing. Whether you’re doing bad things and questioning said thing, or doing good things and questioning if they’re truly as good as you think they are, it means you think outside of yourself, you know. So, usually, a good person thing. I doubt great fascist leaders doubt themselves.” He had nothing more to say, and neither did I. “Good bye Pansy Parkinson, until next time, maybe. Take good care of yourself !”

I nodded, and did not say anything more. What else was there to say ? I Apparated myself in the living room of Blaise’s and I’s apartment, and looked outside the window, then back at the room. Damn that place was beautiful, and all that light… No wonder Blaise’s plants liked it here.   
I realized I felt exhausted. I had slept the whole night with no nightmare, and I had not slept this well in ages, but still, with my two shoes between my second and third finger, I felt like all my energy had left my body. I groaned. With my groan, a head emerged from behind the couch. 

“Pansy ? Oh Merlin Pansy !”

For a second there, I thought she had called me Percy. Bah. My mind was playing tricks on me now. Fucking great. 

“Hey, Astoria, what are you doing here ?”

She had risen to her feet quicker than I would have thought her capable of, and before I knew it, she was standing in front of me, her fists on her hips, a frown painted on her face. Aaaaaaaand there we went, I could see the ass beating coming, clear as day.   
But it did not come.   
Instead, she screamed out Blaise’s name and hugged me tightly. She started speaking before Blaise could come into the room, but I had heard him falling off his bed, probably hurriedly looking for clothes to put on to get to the living room. Blaise slept naked. 

“Merlin Pansy, where have you been ? I’ve been calling you all night, I was so scared ! What happened ? How are you ? How’s Ginny ? Who do I need to beat up ?”  
“I don’t know, what did Hannah tell you ?” 

I was joking, almost a smile on my face, but too tired for it to fully be wide as it should have been. I did not expect her worried look. 

“She told us many things, to be honest. Not all good. None good, actually. But we did not believe it, don’t worry. None of us did, obviously. But we were beginning to wonder if she had killed you both and hidden the body.” That was her very own attempt at a joke. Blaise had joined us by then, and had joined our hug. “To be honest, Cho and Parvati had been suspecting that she wasn’t the best for Ginny for a while. Do we need to kill her ?”

She had loosened her hug, and looked up to my face, she was dead serious. I had looked up to Blaise, and so was he, or so it would seem. I laughed. It wasn’t so funny I knew it. I tried to keep the things she had said about me out of my head as much as I could. I breathed. In, out, deeply. 

“She said a couple of not-so-great things. About me, and about Ginny. You know I could take it about me but what she said about her ? Like damn, you get to a point of your life where you’re lucky enough to date the most beautiful, most charming, most charismatic girl who’s ever graced poor planet Earth with her existence, and you just… dare speak to her like that ? She seemed so… broken… If I could, I would kill Hannah myself.”  
“Hey, are you by chance in love with Ginny ?”

Astoria hit Blaise’s arm. I laughed. 

“Oh I’m so glad it’s not as obvious as I think it is !”  
“Oh, no, Pans’, I have to admit, it kind of is, Blaise is just too busy eating Theodore with his eyes to notice. But, you had not talked about it, and I did not want to pressure you into anything, yes ? But I just have to be real with you.”  
“When did you notice ?”  
“I don’t know ? Like, eight months ago ?”  
“Then you, missy, are not as clever as you think, because I hid it from you for more than a year !”

I laughed some more, and the two of them seemed shocked, but Blaise was the first one to follow me into laughter, quickly joined by Astoria. 

“Hey, guys, I love you, right ? But I’m exhausted. I slept the whole night, don’t worry, things have just been… A lot. Hectic even. Could you please text Ginny’s friends and tell them she’s at the Burrow ? Percy was there when I woke up, but I don’t know if he’ll actually dare to go up to her room, and I’m pretty sure she’s gonna need someone. Can you do it ? I’m gonna head back to my room, and sleep some more, probably.”

Astoria held me tighter for like, four tenth of a second before actually letting me go. She nodded. “Of course.”

I smiled, and let go of them. I waved at them before shutting my room’s door, and climbing into my bed. I stripped and got comfortable under the covers, only my head coming out of it. I sighed. A long, deep sigh. I wondered how Ginny was. I felt terrible, having left her to wake up alone, when she had so clearly asked me not to go. Well, I had not left her, right ? I did not think it counted as leaving her, not last night. I wondered if Percy would go up to her room, talk to her.   
I wondered if I was gonna be ok. I kept on thinking about it, Hannah’s words, they kept playing on a loop. I inhaled, exhaled, and fell asleep. I was woken up, some six hours later by Blaise’s voice, and his hand brushing my hair out of my face. 

“Hey beautiful, Ginny is here. I told her you were sleeping, then realized that maybe you would want to talked to her, so I just told her I would go check if you were asleep or not. Would you, like to talk to her ?”

I shook my head. I had a nightmare, A tear had rolled down my face. I was torturing someone. I was not taking any pleasure out of it, just, had to do it, it was my duty as a Death Eater. Then the person passed out, and I took the hood that was on their face off of it, and it was Daphné. I screamed in horror, called for help, looked away, looked again, Astoria. Called again, looked away to see if I could find help, only to have my eyes meet Blaise’s body. On the left, Theodore’s. Behind me, Draco, dead, clutching onto Eltanin. I had killed all of them. I dropped to my feet, and suddenly I was holding a body, shaking it, I wanted it to wake up so bad. Ginny’s. I had killed her. Then laughter, laughter everywhere, and I-told-you-sos. Hannah’s. My breathing started growing unsteady as I remembered. A panic attack.   
Belzebuth was sleeping on top of me, and awakened by irregular breathing. Thankfully, Blaise was a doctor, he knew how to handle this type of thing. And also, it wasn’t the first panic attack of mine he got to witness.   
It took the time it took, but after a few minutes, tears dried, breaths drawn at a regular speed, I had calmed down. I could still not see her. I was not…

“Please, tell her… Oh God, you can’t really tell her about the panic attack…” He looked at me, a question mark in his eyes. “She… She does not really know I have those…” I was kind of embarrassed, but more embarrassed at the thought of possibly her knowing someday. 

“I’ll handle it, don’t worry. Do you want me to come back after I talk to her, or would you rather have some time alone ?”  
“P-Please come back… Or… Could you please let me know when she’s gone, and then maybe we could watch a movie, if that’s not too much trouble for you ? Like please, if it’s any trouble at all, let’s not do it… But if not…”

He smiled. 

“I’ll be back, ok ?”  
“Thank you.”

I could hear him, even after he had closed the door, talk to Ginny, their muffled talking, something that probably was a hug. I got my hand to my eyes, and let out a muffled sob. I’ll always remember that one sob, because that one came from pits of despair, but, you know, despair I was aware of. I felt disgusting to be this desperate, I felt… I don’t know, I felt that this was not supposed to happen. I had been doing so much better and now that ? And now that ? No, no, no, no, I felt like I was going back so, so much farther than I had started. No, maybe not that far, at least I still remember Daphné. I stop myself from crying. There was still a hurling pit of despair in me, no doubt. But I got out of my bed, my hair messy, threw an ugly shirt on, and panties, not bothering with pants. I wrapped a plaid around my shoulders and when I heard the door close, behind Ginny, I assumed, I popped my head out of my room. Blaise smiled at me, his back to the door. I went, waddled and went to hug him. A movie now ? That’s what my eyes inquired, and he gestured to the couch. A movie, yes. He left my sight for maybe ten seconds and came back with a tub of ice cream. 

“Urgh, I LOVE you Blaise Zabini, bless your soul.”

He awwwwed at me, then came to sit on the couch and wrapped me in his arms. One thing you must know about Blaise Zabini, is that he owes me repeated practice for hugs, but he has gotten amazing at it. 

One thing I had gotten good at, with working at the muggle café, is getting into muggle hobbies. Movies had been one of them. I knew the sequels to the Matrix were about to be released, so I dragged Blaise along with me on a Matrix rewatch, to remember everything of the movie. It made me smile, it made me curl up into a ball, it made me feel things. It was wonderful. I was thankful for the magic created there.   
Deep breaths. I would need more time. I wasn’t healed completely yet. But I had a home, I had my friends, I had all the time in the world to explain all the pain my mind would make me go through. But I had to allow myself that. I didn’t know if I should go on tour with them, I did not know what I would regret, ceasing the opportunity, not ceasing the opportunity… But at that time it did not matter.   
I looked up at Blaise while Neo was dodging bullets.

“Do you think - and I want you to be honest with me if you do - do you think it would be too much to ask, if we asked Eltanin, Draco Theo and Astoria to come over for dinner, like, tonight, or tomorrow if tonight is too short notice ?”  
He looked at me, not even thinking about it. “No, I think it would be perfect ! Do you want to order anything in particular or…”  
“I’m thinking we cook ! I can do all the cooking but I would appreciate it if you stayed with me when the magic happens… Again, you don’t have to, you don’t have to do anything ! I’m just saying what I would appreciate.”  
“Pansy. You think I would actually let you handle the cooking, when we both know I’m the better cook?”  
I dropped my spoon in the ice cream tub. “Oh ! Blaise !! You hurt my feelings !”

I was joking, of course, but here we stood, forty-five minutes later, confirmation that our friends would be here, in the kitchen, making sushi. It wasn’t something peculiarly hard to make, or that we ate too often, but it occupied hands and minds, and the rest we filled up with chatter and laughs. Blaise had put music on his stereo in the living room, so we could hear it, but we would not be too bothered by it.   
When they came in, we all noticed Theodore kissing Blaise’s cheek and Blaise face cracking up in the largest smile I had seen him wear in a while. He was beaming, and I loved seeing my father like that. I took Eltanin in my arms, and completely deserted the others, on my mission to become his favourite aunt. The noises I made in order to complete said mission, and the faces that I used to win his heart shall not be disclosed, but I have to say I regret nothing. He was four now, and Draco had decided to send him to a muggle kindergarten, but I had to make sure of one thing.

“Eltanin… Am I still your best friend ?”  
“You can’t say this to Dad, because he says I have to be bestfriends with someone from kindergarten, but yes !”  
I made a shocked face. “What ! Dad is trying to come between our friendship ? That’s not nice of him ! But maybe he’s right, do you have friends at kindergarten ?”  
“Yes ! There’s this really nice girl, she loves dinosaurs, and …”

And so he went into a rant, naming probably every kid in the whole kindergarten. He was a bright kid. I caught myself thinking that he would make a great big brother someday, or a great cousin. I wondered if I would have kids one day, which led me to wonder about being in love, and of course about the woman I was in love with.   
Astoria ended up coming to steal me away as a distraction for Draco to steal back his kid and get him on his knees as he was talking with Theodore and Blaise. Merlin, these two had definitely gotten together. I had to keep on remembering they were very private and that they would tell us at their own pace, but Asto and I could not help a look that said everything we knew but wouldn’t say aloud as their hands found each other. And they thought they were being slick... 

Astoria held me in her arms then, and it felt good. It felt nice to be home, with the people I loved and trusted the more. 

“I don’t mean to talk about touchy subjects, but how are you ?”  
“Meh…” I didn’t really know. Well, no, I knew. I wasn’t doing so well. But she knew too. “But I’ll be fine, and I’m not fine right away, it will be ok, right?” This was self-persuasion. But maybe I found myself starting to believe it. It would be fine.   
“Of course it will be. And we’ll be here for you. I’ll always be here for you, ok ? I love you, Pants.”  
“Oh shut up, Shorts !”

We laughed, and hugged, and then went back to being more serious. 

“Pansy, I have to ask, what do you intend to do about the tour ? Cho and Padma told me they were planning on taking you touring with them. You don’t have to do or not do anything, but, do you feel well enough to do it ?”

I realized that Blaise must have told her about how he found me when I woke up when he asked her if she could come. I winced. The mention of the tour brought back painful memories, it was just yesterday, and I was not ready to think of it yet. I shook my head softly. 

“I… I don’t know yet. I’d rather not think about it tonight, is that ok ?”  
“Yes, sure, of course. But let me be the one to make sure you won’t avoid it for too long, ok ?”

I nodded. Of course. I trusted her with that.   
That night, we ate, we had a marvelous time, just the six of us, although at some point I offered my room so that Eltanin could start his night early. Well, it was already late for the little guy, but… Early compared to us.   
We drank a bit, and as every sleepover when you’re in your twenties, we handed up going over existential questions. Astoria was the one who threw love in the mix.

“I don’t know if someone will ever love me to be honest.”  
“What the hell Astoria ? You’re gorgeous, you’re brilliant, you’re funny, you’re charismatic, you’re everything !” That was Blaise. “If my heart had not been snatched totally already, I would have totally fallen in love with you.”

Draco, Astoria and I found ourselves in between vomiting and awww and Theodore was… Well, completely smitten was the word, but we weren’t supposed to know yet.

“But it’s just… I’ve never been in love, and everyone talks about it like this real big life-changing thing and… I feel like I’m missing out, I don’t know…”  
“Love is nothing but pain, Asto. Love ripped my heart in two, and left me with the love I have for my son, but if it had not been for Eltanin, I would still be moping around. Love gave me a reason to continue on, sure, but it’s only fair for taking it from me at the same time. I just… I don’t know if I think love is worth it.”  
“Dray…” Draco did not talk about Eltanin’s other parent much. “I’m sorry. I had no idea you loved them.” He shrugged his shoulder, but I could see him caring, still. “But all romantic love isn’t like that.” That was my take on love. “Love… My love is not reciprocated, you know ? But it doesn’t have to be, I don’t care about it being reciprocated too much. I just know I want to care for her, and… Yeah, fucking sure it could be reciprocated… Yeah, no, I take it back, there are times I just want to hold her and kiss her lips and caress her hands.”  
“Yeah, not to brag, at all… But what love gave me was intimacy. That was the best part. You can find intimacy elsewhere,of course. But the intimacy that comes with romantic love… Making love to someone whom you could give your whole soul to… It’s beyond comparison.” Theodore looked directly into Blaise’s eyes. I wanted someone to be as in love with me as I was with them. I wanted Ginny to be as in love with me as I was with her.   
“Yeah... “ Draco again. “I’ve had sex. And I’ve made love. And… yeah, the difference, between the two... “  
“Urgh ! Come on guys ! You’re not helping !”  
“Yeah, I’m with Astoria here, some of us - and I mean she and I - have never made love, and have never been in a relationship with someone they were in love with !’  
“Pants the sexual tension between you and Ginny… Come on, don’t act a fool, you should have seen her ! Of course, not so much the past couple of months when she got sucked in that… Monster’s grasp but still, and…”  
I shushed her, as if I had ANY illusion of them not having noticed yet. “You know we have kissed, once ?”

The whole table is shocked. Damn, I talk too much when I drink. Damn I should really hold my tongue. Wait, they all know what I’m talking about ? Ah shit yeah I forgot I wasn’t the most discreet with how hopelessly in love I am. 

“She came to see me after her first date with Hannah. She came to me after having dropped her off at her place. She told me it felt nice, to be wanted like that, that she felt nice. And I couldn’t really say shit, you know, because I just… The only thing I wanted was for her to be happy, and she was you know ? I thought she was gonna be happy and that Hannah was gonna be good for her and obviously I was wrong. She seemed so happy, and I’ll always remember that, it was so cheesy, her talking, on the balcony over there, and me just staring at her eyes, fucking, glissening into the moonlight and just being so in love with her as she was talking about her girlfriend-to-be. And then I don’t know, I think she had drunk, on her date, and maybe it had made her bolder, or stupider, I don’t really know. But she stopped talking, and I had long stopped listening, and, I don’t know, I was awe-stricken and she just… She leaned in, slowly, and I could have turned my head a thousand fucking times but I did it because I wanted that so bad, and I had too for more than a year and a half already, or I don’t know how much time. And she kissed me, and we kissed. And like of course it was everything I had dreamed of and because she is everything I fucking dream of all the time and… you know, I was trying to get better still, and I did not feel ready for whatever Hannah could give her, and so I ruined it… I ruined it.”

I expected everything to fall silent, but Blaise thought otherwise.

“I don’t think you did, though…”

We all turned to him. 

“What do you mean, Blaise ?”

That was Draco, but it could have been anyone. Theodore had been leaning more and more into Blaise’s arms with each drink - we were still supposed to have no idea - had leaned away, a hand still on his chest, with multiple question marks in his eyes. 

“She and I… talked… and I’m not going to say what she said, but she said things, and it’s not my responsibility to say them. But you should talk. Maybe not now, if you don’t feel up for it, but, reminder that she will be gone on tour in a couple of couple of weeks, so maybe don’t put it off for too long…”

I fell silent. I did not know what to say. I don’t remember how we changed the topic, but eventually we did, and eventually Draco went back to his house with Eltanin in his arms, Theodore and Blaise went back to Blaise’s room - by this time, no one pretended we did not know anymore - and Astoria crashed in my bed. 

A couple of weeks had passed by. Only a couple of weeks left. This day, I received… It’s kind of cheesy, I realize, or it made me feel cheesy, like someone who had a crush on in their second year, I guess - and that felt nice. I received a letter, slipped under our apartment’s door. I guess it could have been freaking creepy, but I had just been thinking about her, and she could still communicate with me and respect my boundaries. It felt like a breath of fresh air, and I had all the air to breathe in the world.   
It read as follow. 

dear Pansy,  
i broke up with hannah. of course, it must make sense to you, but it hadn’t to me, not in the last couple of months when she had treated me the same way she had the night you caught us, two weeks ago.   
i wanted to thank you, for having been there. for not leaving that night. for always having been someone i could trust, even at the beginning, when i didn’t know i could. for everything really, for inspiring me, for being there, for being a friend, for being vulnerable, for listening, but for trusting me also, and for opening up and feeling like a safe place.   
there are many things i want to tell you, and i would rather do it face to face, i think that is fairer to you, but maybe you don’t feel that way. I’ll be at our hot cocoa place every afternoon, starting at 2PM, ok ? I’ll leave when it closes. I’ll be waiting for you.   
however, if you would rather read about it, it will be in the next page (welp. i planned on only one other page but did three. i’m sorry).

if you stop here, i hope i’ll see you soon.   
Love,   
Ginny. 

I loved her use of lower and upper case letters.   
I decided to stop here. I had to see her at some point. I breathed in. 

I did not go on that very day. I went two days later. In my defense, I was kind of freaking out. I felt guilty, and also I just… Before that night, with Theodore, and Blaise, and Astoria, and Draco (and Eltanin) I had never put it into words, whatever I had put in words. And the headache the next day had been completely worth it. I was ready for her, and that was scarier than anything else.   
But then I went, Astoria crushing me into a hug on the doorstep, as if she was giving me away. I laughed. 

When I got in our hot cocoa place, it was 1.30pm. I wouldn't let her wait for me, I had been waiting long enough, and we had too much to say, too much to talk about.   
Merlin, I was so glad I was not standing when I saw her come in. She was so beautiful, I was awe-stricken, as I was everytime she entered my sight again. She was beautiful, crooked tooth, freckles and all. Her lips were still chapped. Her eyes were scanning around the room, she seemed terrified. I got up, and waved at her. I almost felt my knees give in beneath me. I, too, was terrified. 

“Hey princess.”  
“Hey Pansy.”  
“You’re beautiful.”  
“You’re… thank you.”  
“I got you your usual, and I got me my usual… It might be a little cold, I ordered it… ten minutes ago.”

It was 1.50pm. 

“I… Yeah, thank you again.”  
“I read your letter.”  
“Oh… you did ?”  
“Well… up until you said where I could meet you… then I freaked out, and now… here we are.”  
“Oh. Oh ! Good… That’s good !”

I smiled. She looked at her cup. I extended my hand to her. She took it. 

“I can start with the talking, if you want.”  
“No, no, no, just… I need a minute… I expected for you to find me, not the other way around.”  
“Pretty sure we found each other Princess.”

She smiled shyly. 

“Maybe we did.” She breathed deeply. “I’m… I’m sorry for everything, first of all. For breaking down in front of you, for bringing you to the Burrow, for letting Hannah talk about you like she did. She had it all wrong. I hope you know that, she had it all, completely wrong. You’re a wonderful person. She was jealous. She was… I don’t know if it was pain, unresolved pain after the war, but that pain does not justify that, you know, nothing does.”  
“There’s no forgiveness needed, none of this I resent you for or is your fault.”

There was no need to assure that we meant what we said. We knew, it was a time of full honesty, nothing else. She nodded, she took it in. More deep breaths.

“I had been wanting to break up with Hannah for a while, but I couldn’t bring myself to. I have tried, but she would cry, or plead, or threaten, or something like that. So I did not. I don’t know if I ever loved her, because she started getting abusive before I could truly fall in love with her. And… I don’t know if I could have anyways, but we’ll get to that.” A silence. “I should not have gotten in a relationship with her, it wasn't fair to her, to me, or…” She looked up at me. “or to you.” 

I leaned back into my seat, let go of her hand, and crossed my arms on my chest, intrigued. 

“I think I’ve been in love with you for a while. Maybe… Do you remember, here, a couple of years ago, when I talked about Fred and you talked about Daphne ? Maybe it was then. But I did not know… OK, this is kind of stupid, but I don’t think I knew before Percy asked me if I was, in love with you, I mean.”

I had little to no reaction, which surprised me first. Maybe it had not really hit me yet. Or no, it had, but I knew we needed time. 

“I’m sorry I kissed you, that night. Well not that I kissed you, because I had to do it at least once. But that I kissed you then. It was not fair either. I feel like I got into this relationship with Hannah because… You know, there are a lot of insecurities that came with my transness. That no one would ever love me, because I was not a real woman, or that I would just be a fetish. And that someone would love me, desire me, treat me nicely ? I thought that would not happen again. And also, maybe I thought that maybe, I could fill a bit of me with giving myself up to someone completely ? And I now know, and I’ve known for the last two, three months maybe, that it doesn’t work that way. And that’s ok. Maybe if it did, I could have stayed with Hannah, because that was what she wanted. But that’s not for me, that type of relationship. That’s why it had to end one way or another, I just… Really did not have the strength until she hurt you. And I saw she did, and I talked with Blaise, and he had seen it too.”

We fell silent, the both of us. I uncrossed my arms. 

“I’ve been falling in love with you, over and over. The first time was at your first show, when I took the first picture. But… I was especially aware of what I felt at that time, and so I knew right away. But… and you’ve experienced it first hand, I needed, and I need to heal still, and forgive myself. And I needed to be alone, because as you said, I don't know that it would have been fair to anyone to get into a relationship. And a lot of this work, I needed to do alone. But yeah, things like meeting you brother and all, it made me feel like, maybe, just maybe, I could heal with others by my side too, you know. And it’s all the past few years have been, redemption, forgiveness, having my chosen family by my side, and… well, being in love with you. I don’t know” tears started welling up in my eyes “if you realize how you’ve helped with my healing, and my growing, you know ? And… It stung to see you get into a relationship with Hannah, because I wished that somehow it would have been me, but I also knew that the timing wasn’t right, and I thought you were now going to be happy, and that was enough…”

I stared into the distance, hoping the tears would go away, and she came to sit by me. She took my hand, carefully, as if I was porcelain. I was so in love with her, I would have combusted on the stop if I had looked at her at this very moment.

“What about now, Love ?”

I pulled her to me, and into a hug. I put her head under my chin. 

“What if we started with what we know ? You are going to go on tour with your band, and with me in the audience, the whole time. And, we will go slowly, it will be great, and we’ll grow. And we’ll see, when we live it.”

I kissed her forehead. 

“And I probably won’t let go of you for another half an hour, even if you want to get out of this café, I’ll still hold you. I’m not going anywhere. Does that sound good ?”

She inhaled my shirt. She smiled - I know so because she told me so the day after.

“Sounds marvelous.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't know if i'm quite satisfied with this chapter, but this is the direction they are taking so !! hope you won't hate it !!

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope you enjoyed this part one of three ! I'm hoping to post part two soon, but have no decided schedule. This took a lot from, and there was a looooot of self-projecting, and idk i love this Pansy and this Ginny very much and yeah, again, i hope you enjoy it !!


End file.
